dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You made out with two different species that night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
