she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
