I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
