I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
