We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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