Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
