10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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