I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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