I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
