Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
