But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's shark week go big or go home
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
