just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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