I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I would ride that face into the sunset
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
