Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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