Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
