in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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