i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
