Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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