I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
