you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
