You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
