My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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