I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
