I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
