So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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