I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
