mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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