K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
