When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
