You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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