I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
