I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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