he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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