bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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