why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
