Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
