I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
