Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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