I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Actions speak louder than pants.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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