My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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