I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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