one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
