Umm I'm too high to move.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
