Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
