I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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