The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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