You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I FOUND THE LEGS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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