The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I AM VODKA MAN
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
