you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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