apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That accounts for only three of the penises
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
