K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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