Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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