i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
